Having already looked at the best of year that was 2016, we unfortunately need to look back on the worst. There are certain films that won’t make the list even if they might be worse than what is on it. Simply put, that’s because we expected those films to be bad. Something like Ride Along 2, the first one is bad enough that we expect certain things from the sequel. All that being said let’s take a look at my least favorite films of 2016.
Morgan strives to be like Ex Machina. Without going into much more detail, it isn’t. The film is directed by the great Ridley Scott’s son Luke Scott. For a directorial debut, the film leaves much to desire and little to look forward to in Scott’s career. He isn’t doomed, but Morgan isn’t compelling cinema. As a matter of fact, there is very little to like overall. It feels painfully insignificant in a genre that includes last years amazing Ex Machina and even the new HBO series Westworld. Those two are excellent examples of compelling drama in the world of artificial intelligence dramas.
9. The Huntsman: Winters War
Snow White and The Huntsman isn’t a good film. But my hopes were fairly high when it’s sequel (really a prequel) adds talent. Take out Kristen Stewart (who I do think gets a bad wrap, see Clouds Of Sils Maria) and you add actresses like Emily Blunt and Jessica Chastain you have, on paper, the makings of a good film. Yet this film is so painful to sit through, you barely even realize the talent involved here. I’m not sure if Winters War was looking to capitalize on the phenomenon of Disney’s Frozen, but they certainly have done nothing to prove this film was needed.
8. The 5th Wave
Please, please can we let this genre die. I’m begging you Hollywood, we don’t need anymore post apocalyptic teen dramas. The 5th Wave is the latest to enter this crowded field of crap. The box office isn’t responding to these films anymore and particularly cause they’re not good movies. I didn’t see Allegiant, but I imagine it was no better than this film. The 5th Wave is so utterly forgettable and strikingly boring, I barely remember a thing about it. I beg again, please kill this genre.
7. Alice Through The Looking Glass
Here’s another sequel that probably didn’t need to be made. Alice In Wonderland grossed north of $1 billion for Disney a few years back so it was obvious a sequel was coming. The first one is not terrible, it’s not good either. This film manages to be Disney’s worst live action adaptation to date. It’s loud and assaultive to the eyes with its over use of bright color and mediocre visual effects. It’s a shame that this film had to be the late great Alan Rickman’s final feature film credit. I’m hoping it also sparks the end of Johnny Depp dressing up in stupid costumes and pretending like people still care about these types of roles. What’s that? There’s another Pirates movie coming out? Well, I guess I’ll watch Black Mass again.
6. Collateral Beauty
I know, I can’t believe it isn’t higher on my list too. The only reason this piece of garbage isn’t in my top 5 is because I refuse to believe that this immense amount of talent aimed to make this movie. But dear heavens is this movie terrible. Will Smith gives a solid performance actually, but this film is nothing its trailers would have you think it is. It’s much more mean spirited and manipulative. Collateral Beauty is essentially A Christmas Carol, except this version of Scrooge (Smith) is actually a normal human being suffering from astonishing grief and the “ghosts” and those who set the ghosts free, are the terrible people. Don’t see this film, and if you do, have few drinks and have a good laugh with some friends.
5. The Darkness
Remember way back at the beginning of this article when I said the movies on this list weren’t going to be films we already knew would be terrible? Yeah, there was an exception. Putting the stupid title aside, The Darkness is a profoundly awful film. See, now we are getting into the total wastes of time. Why do I punish myself you might ask? Because Kevin Bacon is a somewhat decent actor, and usually star power means it’s not a total pile of trash. Wrong. The Darkness is basically a rip off of Poltergeist, except minus any shred of quality. I haven’t seen Patriots Day yet as of writing this, but Kevin Bacon, that dude needs to fire his agent. Seriously, you’re better than this.
I want give this film a big round of applause. I mean, let’s be honest, it is very, very rare to watch a comedy and not laugh a single time, and, it happened twice last year (more on that later). Masterminds is so bad, not even the hilarious Leslie Jones could bring a smile to my face. Jared Hess, who directed the quirky but hysterically original Napoleon Dynamite, helms this film and my goodness is this movie a total bust. It’s based on a true story which is already one of those too good to be true type stories. However, Hess manages to bring it down by making jokes that don’t land and are generally too stupid to be funny. If you enjoyed this movie, more power to you. Comedy is hard to do, but Hess does nothing here to make Masterminds worthy of being labeled a comedy.
3. Zoolander 2
I unapologetically love the first Zoolander film. It was fresh and just stupid enough to be laugh out loud funny. Fifteen years later, we have, this. Zoolander 2 is attempting to be a satire of the social media age, but it isn’t. It is a film that proves a few things like how many celebrity friends Ben Stiller has. I should’ve known better. What an absolute train wreck this movie is. Nothing in this movie is funny. It is the only film I actually contemplating walking out of halfway through. It’ll get better I told myself. Spoiler alert, it doesn’t. I was so let down, I went home, looked at my copy of Zoolander and said, “I’ll revisit you when the time is right, when that turd you call a sequel exits my memory”. This is the last I’ll ever speak of this film.
2. Gods Of Egypt
Wow. I mean you want to talk about a total system failure, this is it. Who green lit this movie?
“Guys we want to make a film about Egyptian gods.”
“Okay, cool that’ll be a fun movie.”
“Yeah. But like we want to make it with all white people and make them have like weird robot bird transformations and then we’ll have Geoffrey Rush on a floating boat in the sky flying around by the sun and speaking very cryptically about the motives of the characters.”
“Uhm, okay well that sounds cool I guess, will the effects be awesome?”
“No they’ll look like some dude put them together in his basement.”
“Okay, well whatever works I guess.”
My advice to you, drink, heavily, and like most of the films on this list, do it with a big group
1. Independence Day: Resurgence
WE MADE IT! For the ten people that are still reading, here we are, the piece de la crap that is the worst movie of the year. Some of you reading will be whispering to yourself “wait, we definitely knew this was going to be terrible”. Well, you’re right, we did. However, Independence Day: Resurgence is a special kind of awful. Imagine a situation that may happen in a movie like this. Now, picture yourself coming up with the most cliche and painful piece of dialogue. Congratulations! You just wrote this stink pile of filmmaking they call a movie. You can collect your royalties from the studio when people buy this movie for five bucks at your local supermarket because “I like fun action movies with no plot”. Seriously, this is worse than any film I’ve seen in years, and no, I’m not exaggerating.
Norm of The North (unless you like animated films about twerking polar bears then by all means watch it.)
Ride Along 2
The Girl on the Train
The Brothers Grimsby
Fifty Shades of Black